This was originally published in February 2023 on my blog called The Anchor Within (theanchorwithin.blog)
In the middle of the pandemic in August 2020, I left my life in Singapore… where I had stability, love and comfort… so I could have an adventure in Europe. I didn’t know where, but I really did not want to go to France.
I found the language difficult, and the people seemed scary. The culture seemed so weird – why are people kissing each other all the time?? I am a quiet girl, from a reserved family… I didn’t want to be in a country which seemed to be sooo different from me. The thought of it made me scared, yet I had a sense that this is exactly why I should go to France. In my life, when I see a mentally challenging “cliff”, I tend to run towards it and jump off…
I still remember the days when I realised that I would have to go to France. I was in Berlin, and I thought I’d go to a French café to somehow force myself to like the idea of living there. I remember sitting, tears streaming down my face… because the man who worked there only spoke French and German, and I could only speak English. I felt like a complete failure… and that’s probably the most emotional anyone has ever been over a coffee and croissant!
But I couldn’t get any flights back to Australia, and I couldn’t get any visa for any other country in the region, so France was it…
It’s been almost 3 years since then, and I go back to that little village Valbonne as often as I can. Because for the year I lived there, I faced and overcame so many of my fears… I have been completely transformed. And I’ll never forget that little place.
It was not an easy journey, even if it may have looked pretty from the outside. It is probably obvious to anyone who visits this little village, that it has something special. It is beautiful, and lively, and there is a real feeling of community there. The only thing was, I wasn’t part of that community.
I would hear the people chatting and families celebrating with a glass of wine. I would see the hugs and kisses of friends greeting each other in the street from my window. I remember one evening, when I had quite embarrassingly asked to watch a football final with an acquaintance and his friends, it was England vs Italy that night. Looking back, I had deserved that rejection, because it was just a reflection of the feeling I had deep down inside: that I didn’t fit in. How uncanny, that the culture I had once judged was now judging me.
It all happens for a reason. I instead spent that night hearing other people cheering (or crying!) over the game.
Travelling somewhere without knowing the language well, it is as if your mouth has been stolen from your face and everyone thinks you look a little funny. I don’t like to admit that it was difficult, and I don’t like to admit that I was weak, but I was. I was weak, and I was acting like a victim quite often.
It forced me to look inside. I realised that my disappointment, the whole time, was only a reflection of how much I was absent in my own life. There I was, in the middle of so much beauty, but yet I was at war with myself. My thoughts were punishing my feelings, trying to make logic out of a situation that was simply not logical. I had wanted a challenge, and I got one.
Although I am not there anymore, I am continuing the journey. I love that little place with all my heart, because there, I re-learned how to claim joy for myself in life. I am continuing to learn French, and every word I read or hear brings back the feelings of fear and rejection for me. But I continue anyway, because I know that deep down, this language and this country is somehow linked with my growth as a human being.
Most importantly, I had many positive experiences in Valbonne. I realised that not all French people are scary, they’re also very kind. That even though French is difficult, it is also a very beautiful language. It really made me understand why the stereotypes we have about others are unfair and untrue, and that no human being can ever be reduced to a generalisation.
Everybody has their own story, whether it’s the people who have been kind to me or the people who have hurt me. Many times, I have to remind myself that I have my own story too, and to honour that. It was only one year, but I met so many beautiful people in this village who changed my life. I am grateful for them all. I made the transition there from victim, to a woman who claims her life. I felt reborn there. Once a place where I felt like an outsider, I now feel like Valbonne is truly where my home and my heart is. And I feel that way because I have decided to belong to this place.
I am not waiting any longer for anyone, or anything, to make me feel welcome.
So thanks for reading my sentimental little love letter to Valbonne, if you read this far. Here’s to using every scary experience, person and moment in life to blossom into someone who has a deeper capacity to love than before.
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