Today I’m in Valbonne again. This is the third time I’m back this year, and I’m really loving it. It feels like the first time I can actually enjoy what the village has to offer. When I lived here, I was such a different person.
I was so scared of everything and everyone… when I looked around, I saw people walking around and thought that they were all better than me in some way. I felt left out, unwelcome and isolated… despite some people being nice to me. But you can only let the love of others in as much as you are willing to open your doors to it. At that time, my doors were almost completely closed and my walls were built up high. It was no wonder I often cried myself to sleep those nights. But this time… it’s different.
In the intervening 3 years, I have learned that the unwelcome feeling was really emanating from my experience of life at that time. Even though we can know these things intellectually, it truly is a body process that requires patience. As my friend said to me last night, she uses the imagery of a swimming pool, that sometimes in life you just need to get to the bottom before you can push yourself up. When I was living in Valbonne 3 years ago… I was on my way down to the bottom and wouldn’t let myself down peacefully.
I kept fighting it… pretending that things should be okay. After all, I was in one of the most beautiful little villages in the south of France. I was living what some people would consider their dream… except it wasn’t my dream. My guilt over feeling bad kept me fighting for breath while I was sinking, and the year I had here was chaotic as a result. But I guess it must have looked calm on the surface, because it always does. As I said before, Valbonne taught me that appearances are deceiving. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry was right. We cannot really see with the eyes, we can only see with the heart.
I was adjusting to a different culture and learning a different language, but I was also going through a break up and a broken heart. So, it was the first time in a long time that I was learning to be on my own again. That can be a tough gig, and I look back now and realise I should have given myself a lot more tenderness than I did. All the better that I know it now.
I love coming back here this year, because I finally pushed off the bottom… I’m riding the surface and am the happiest that I’ve ever been. Finally, I can walk around this town without fear… and with my chin up. Giving ourself time to experience the highs and the lows in life, it makes all the difference.
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