Today it dawns on me that I have little more than two weeks left in the south of France. This thought leaves a strange feeling in my heart, dragging down into the pit of my stomach. I feel as if there is a little child inside who is stomping her feet and telling me: no! I want to cry, but I forget to. The tears have turned into racing thoughts in my mind, before they can escape my eyes… what do I have to do before I go? Who do I have to see? What do I have to pack? Moments that should probably be filled with emotions are now being gagged into silence with practical matters.
When we really want to do something, it always starts with the feeling that we don’t want to do its opposite. Doing the opposite of what we want to do becomes so unpleasant, and this unpleasantness becomes so big that one of two things happen. It either makes you retract, forcing you into action towards what you want or you become paralysed under its weight and stuck… eventually unrecognisable even to yourself. I’ve experienced both in life, and with time I’ve learned to just take action towards what I want sooner rather than later.
The act of leaving France has now turned into something that feels unnatural. As soon as I arrived here a few weeks ago, I thought that I would have time to travel and take photographs. It turns out that this was not the case… and instead I found myself constantly dealing with loose ends. Medical, financial and social matters take up my time… on this particular visit I have realised that my life is already here. It’s just waiting for me to stay.
From my perspective it does not make any sense at all. I don’t have a job, a partner or any other obligation to stay here. It’s not a convenient option for me and I am definitely not a Francophile. It’s just a pure desire, like out of a story book. Without reason and in a way… a little crazy. Kind of like me.
It has gotten to the point where even I am interested in what will happen next in this little story between me and the thing which keeps pulling me back to this part of the world.
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