Travelling has helped me to view the world in a functional way. No matter where you are, there always exists some form of value exchange. Sometimes it overwhelms me and gives me a headache, this way of thinking. Perhaps it makes me tired because I constantly feel that I have little by way of value to exchange for things. I think that a lot of people may feel like this, and as such we start to use things as markers for our value. Our time, our money, our actions… this exchange seems to determine if something is fair or not.
If you don’t give me this, then I won’t give you that. Have you ever met people who just give and don’t even feel the injustice of not receiving the same in return? I have met many, many people like this. Too many to count. You’d think that it’s rare from watching the news, but I promise you that we tend to focus on the minority of bad things in this world. People everywhere are better than you realise… and I think it is because we all have a different idea of what is valuable.
I’m living with two people like this at the moment, and it does me a lot of good. So often, I feel uneasy with receiving help, even though I receive a lot these days. It stresses me out, because I wonder how am I ever going to pay these people back? I don’t know when it happened, but I started seeing life as a balance sheet at some point. And I learned somehow that I should always be the one who is indebted to, but of course that was the position I could never reach.
I had a habit of always feeling grateful for every little effort someone put into recognising that it was okay for me to take up space in their lives. As such, I felt constantly in debt. I offered to pay for groceries yesterday, because while I’ve lived here, I have been eating very well. But they refused. And behind that refusal, I am reminded of something…
I think, in a way, the presence itself of another person is valuable too. Being there, taking time, listening, learning… these are all why we even want the comfort of material things and money in the first place. Friendship, appreciation, love. I start to understand that money and gifts are simply tokens for these more important things. The things that all of us look for, in the big moments or the small, no matter where we are from.
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