My breakfast these days starts with spoonfulls of creamy yoghurt and homemade jam, followed by lightly grilled soft bread topped with local butter. Beside this I take an espresso with a glass of sparkling water. The conversation normally centres around what’s for lunch, the seemingly most important meal of the day here. But yesterday we got talking about something different. We talked about raising children, I don’t quite now how we arrived at the topic but I’m always interested to know the opinions of others.
My friend said to me that maybe if a child learns to say no first, then it is easier to teach teach them self confidence in comparison to a child who is obliging and always says yes. I agreed, and we can’t always control which category a child will naturally fall into. It’s a matter of personality. I realised when we were talking, that I might have fallen into the latter. I was always saying yes, always wanting to please, as a young child. As such, it was probably difficult for those around me to know what I wanted… indeed, it was probably difficult for me to even know what I wanted as well. But slowly, over my adult life, I learned how to say no.
In fact, this is what brought me to Ardeche in the first place. I had found myself in a situation in Ireland where I had to choose: did I want to oblige someone and suffer through it, or did I want to say no, disappoint the other person and step into the unknown so I could find something I would truly enjoy? It strikes me that this is a decision that a lot of people are faced with, and it’s not always an easy one.
For most of us, the desire to please people is strong – for whatever reason. Interestingly, a lot of people find it easier to leave our lives in the hands of others – if we please someone, at least then we can use their reactions as our measuring stick for if we’re doing a good job or not. Do they seem to be happy or sad? And adjust our behaviour accordingly. Logical and simple.
If we step out on our own, then we no longer have a comparison to measure ourselves with. We have to decide for ourselves, without external support, if we are doing a good enough job or not. It is like a butterfly coming out of its shell, having the need to learn how to fly as well as how to survive. How does it do that? No one appears to teach it what to do. There is no butterfly school where they show how to move wings properly or how to go find nectar for nourishment. It’s all done on instinct.
When we decide for ourselves what is right and what is wrong, then we are breaking out of this shell. It is not a process that can be mimicked, it is unique every time and for every person. We can research and talk with others about their experience but at the end we need to get out into the fresh air and just start stretching our wings. I notice that something interesting starts to happen in the process of this… when we decide that pleasing other people is no longer a need, then it becomes a joy.
What used to be draining, now starts to become life giving. Over the years, I have come to understand why people say that giving is more fun than taking. There is a simple joy in it, if you decide for yourself where you’d like to give your time and effort instead of spreading yourself wherever you seem to get some approval in return.
Then, I suppose we become like butterflies. Not only do they please our eyes, but they also help us to grow food for our own nourishment… simply by being themselves and following their instinct. It is a difficult step, I must admit, and not all butterflies make it out of their cocoon. But if we can find the courage to push through, and rely on the same thing nature does, then maybe we can also give joy effortlessly to ourselves and to others.
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