This was originally published on 16 February 2023 on my blog called The Anchor Within (theanchorwithin.blog)
I want to tell you a story about an experience I had in Ireland. When I ended up in a place I didn’t really want to be… haven’t we all felt that way sometimes?
I had just received my visa for Ireland, which had seemed almost impossible to get at one point. I was proud that I had succeeded despite the obstacles, and I was looking forward to making a start in a new country. I was ready to learn from all of my mistakes of the past, and actually make this work. The first two weeks were good, but after that everything started to fall apart before my eyes.
I had succeeded in securing a job in central Dublin quite quickly, so I decided to stay in a big share house at the time, with over 10 people living there. It was the only accommodation close to Dublin that I could afford. I was renting a couch for 25 euros a night (in a room full of three other couches). I had organised a more long term rental, but that suddenly fell through a few days before I thought I was going to move in. It became increasingly difficult to find accommodation, but luckily I was able to call upon a friend I had made a couple weeks earlier and he had a room for me. The only problem was, that his place was 1h 30 minutes away from Dublin… I had to give up the job.
I realised that it all became too hard… and…. why was I in Ireland anyway?
The only reason was to apply for a visa for France, without having to go back to Australia. However, the French Embassy in Dublin seemed like a fortress. It was beyond impossible to get an appointment. I had reached an impasse.
Through a series of strange happenings, I ended up deciding that I would go back to France for a holiday. I could only stay there for a limited period of time due to visa rules, but I thought I would take my chances.
I had organised through a volunteer travelling company to stay on a farm near Nantes… I could not afford to do anything else at that time. I got in touch with the host and she told me that she also had a property in Ireland, so I could meet her there first and then we could go back to France together. I had assumed that this property was also a farm, but when I arrived at this place I was in for a bit of a shock.
It was actually a building site, and I was to sleep in her van. I am going to wrap up the first part of this story by saying that we weren’t really a good match for each other. She claimed that she needed me, but my whole body and mind were saying a big “no.” My entire body was in pain. The first night, I cried myself to sleep because every time I moved, it hurt. And it wasn’t just the physical pain. I can endure physical hardship if I feel it is meaningful, but when the experience is not meaningful… things start to get difficult. I had felt the heaviness of this other person and her views on life. It became clear to me that if I wanted to stay, I would have had to put my own needs aside.
Then, came the battle – do I sacrifice myself and continue to help her? Or do I put my own needs first, knowing that I will let her down? The thought of letting someone down scared me, because I know how it feels to be let down myself. There was a time in life when I would have done anything not to let someone down. I would sacrifice myself, my needs and my feelings in order to serve another. For the last 10 years however, I have started making decisions for myself. I realised that I cannot serve everyone, and I cannot make everyone happy. My desire to keep the peace with everyone was not something I was capable of… it was burning me out. It took me a while to get used to doing this, as I was still very much clinging to the personality of being a “nice girl” to get me through life. Could I give that up… the one thing I thought to be valuable about myself… in order to feel better and live my life instead of someone else’s?
After two nights, I told her that my back hurt and I had needed to leave. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but I just knew I had to go. Money was dwindling, and I had flights to France but no accommodation. I took the chance anyway. My back, and the rest of my body, was telling me something important and I decided to listen. That day, I spent much of it hearing her complain about me. She told me about how much I had let her down, how much I was a disappointment to her, and how boring I was for my age. I was horrible, selfish, weak and pushy. These comments were thrown towards me the whole day.
I focused my mind and remained calm. I knew why I was doing this – the only reason why I try to do anything nowadays. I did it for love, because when I choose not to love myself… there will never be anyone to come in and do it for me.
It was the moment where I learned that the kind of love characterised by neediness between adults, is only an illusion of something beautiful… while something toxic lurks beneath. One of my exes always used to tell me something like: you always carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, even though no shoulders were made to bear such weight alone. I used to think this was an admirable trait, and indeed it originates in beautiful intentions. But much like many things that involve beautiful intentions, we can sometimes forget about ourselves in the process.
We push through, knowing the situation is not right for us, out of guilt and out of a good heart that does not respect itself.
So, in this situation, despite my feeling of guilt and believing in all that she was saying to me, I still left. I accepted that I was the bad person here – I was letting her down. I also decided that I would be okay with that, in this case. I’ve had to do this many times in my life before I realised – sometimes, you’ve just got to let people dislike you. Sometimes, that’s your role. Sometimes, they will not see from your point of view immediately, and that’s okay. For me, doing anything else other than respecting their choice to dislike me is called “me getting stuck in another person’s story, and abandoning my own.”
So now, instead of trying to avoid letting others down and holding myself to standards that I cannot reach… I made a promise to myself that I could, at least, never intentionally make someone else feel that they had let me down. Goodness knows, I have probably done that. Maybe I am writing this in honour of those who I have thrown my emotions on in the past. I don’t want to contribute to the guilt that many of us so naturally tend to feel, even without extra disappointment thrown on top of us. I promised I would always forgive, but in fact, there would never be anything to forgive. Because if everyone is doing their best in life, where is there room to be considered “wrong”?
When someone hurts you with their words, it is probably because part of you believes them. This part of us is doubt, and I’ve recently realised that doubts are actually very beautiful. Doubts are what facilitates the dance and movement of life, they allow change. Doubts are doors. That’s all. They can take us out of a toxic situation, or they can lead us back to one. Of course, they normally arise in situations that are highly emotional. In situations where all we want to do is leave the room we’re in, and run through that door. And so we don’t often treat doubts with neutrality. But it’s always a choice.
Do I want to leave the room I’m in? Or do I want to stay? I’ve learned that what guides my decision nowadays is not who is holding the door open for me. No, I’ve learned that I have a right to decline an invitation if it leads to a place I don’t want to go. All the same, I have a right to accept it, if it leads to a place I do want to go.
The past me, who used to doubt my own worthiness, would go through doors that led to hardship and close doors that led to appreciation and love. After many experiences of letting others down, because I chose the door of hardship… I’ve learned that it’s just better for me overall to choose the door of love and appreciation instead. Choose the versions of people, places and situations that see the worth in what you do instead of seeing the lack in what you didn’t.
And if we made a choice we didn’t like initially, we always have the power to choose again.
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