It’s that time again… packing time. The last few days have been spent mostly catching up with family and friends, while also trying to do some packing inbetween. The big day is coming up quickly. This time, I am not taking the usual approach to packing. For starters, I am incredibly tired. This process of applying for a visa, and dealing with all the ups and downs that have come with it, have almost broken me. Of course, moving to a new country doesn’t just affect me. It affects those around me, whether they tell me or not. I can feel it, and it weighs a little heavy on me sometimes. I had hoped that a big step like this would bring out a more forward planning side to me, but no. Old habits die hard. I am absolutely going to wing it. I am sitting up at night alone, writing this, and I feel very much on my own. It’s amazing how no matter how much support people offer you, it brings you only little comfort. At the end of the day, it must be you who completes all the necessary steps with your own two feet.
But I like it like this. A sense of independence is rising in me, one that I have not felt in a long time. One that I’m not entirely sure I have the energy for. But I must go ahead and do it anyway, even though I’m not quite sure why at this point. All the reasons why I wanted to move to France have fallen away, I am being taken there by pure momentum. Pure trust. That there must be something waiting for me there, I guess. It’s not the first time I have made such a mindless move in my life, and I have learned to trust my inner wisdom. Which is exactly the process I’m using for my packing too. I hardly even care what I’m going to pack, I just don’t want it to be heavy. I am asking myself the question: what is it that I need now, as I currently am? I don’t want to pack any hopes and dreams, I just want my life from now on to be founded on pure acceptance. Acceptance of people as who they are, and acceptance of who I am as a person. So, I have been reviewing and reviewing the contents of my suitcase for a couple of days, and putting aside anything that I may need to change myself for.
This time, I am packing for the current size of my body, my current set of needs and anything which helps me to feel more confident in my skin. It is surprisingly less than what I’d pack for a whole year of nomadic wandering. When you are able to be settled in one place, you can always find some way to survive without. The theme for my year, and for my suitcase, is purity and focus. These two terms have not been part of my vocabulary for a long time. The last decade can be denoted with the words “scattered” and “lost.” But how silently and slowly certainty creeps up on you during this period, while you’re swimming in your fantasy of being a wayward traveller who is “finding themselves.” There is nothing like being mentally and emotionally exhausted to motivate you into cutting all the frilly bits off and putting your head down towards more practical matters of life. I am sure that once I arrive in France, have had a nice bath and cried all of my frustration out, I will get back to finding the romance of the every day. But not today. It’s late, and I still need to do some packing…
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