Before my flight, I could hardly think. A nervousness suddenly gripped me, one I hadn’t felt before. Why? I was finally able to live my dream. But then it dawned on me. This time was different from all the other times, because I knew I this would be the last time I’d be this version of myself. You know when you can feel that something big and wonderful is about to happen? Something that will change you forever? That’s how it felt. Finally… I was going to explore the other side of the river. The one where the grass was apparently greener. Of course I don’t have any expectations about whether I’d fail or succeed, but I just knew that I’d crossed over to the next chapter. I felt the soft breeze of the page turning, subtle, I could have almost mistaken it for fear.
Luckily the entertainment system was broken on my flight to Doha, so I had time to reflect and write. What’s more, I was sitting next to some kind people on the plane, who asked me a lot of questions about my life. The lady next to me repeated a phrase which I’d heard my Mum and my Aunt tell me just earlier in the day – spread your wings and fly she said. I realised that I was leaving behind the life of a nomad, but I needn’t leave behind my sense of adventure. I had spent the last eight years cutting my teeth, it was time to sink myself into something. Maybe instead of flying, I could take the time to go deeper into what I truly want in life. Well, I guess I want what everyone wants.
Freedom, love, hopefully both at the same time. I want to add value rather than take away from the lives of others, I want to understand people. Perhaps now is the time I could have the strength to greet every challenge as an opportunity to understand all those things I had originally run away from when I left Australia in 2016. All those ways I had been reacting out of fear because I felt the pressure to move on to the next place and the next place. The idea of slowing down fills me with dread… would I be able to handle it? This life that I’ve chosen for myself. Was I truly able to live up to being the person I’ve always wanted to be? I don’t know the answer to that question, but I know that I want to try. And I know that I want to try with the fire of success in my eyes. I don’t want to be half hearted, there is no use in that. I want to try and if I fail, then I know I would have done my best.
Although we cannot control whether others will match our energy, I believe we can take comfort in knowing that if we have the courage to live authentically, then our people will find us. And this does take courage, moving to France is probably the first courageous thing I’ve done in my life. I was not forced, I was not running away, and I was not persuaded, neither did I feel ready in doing so. But I just knew I had to take a few deep breaths and go for it. Jump. Risk showing my true self, and getting the rejections that I had feared for so many years… just so that I can say to myself – see, that was nothing to be scared of. Because this will lead the way to receiving the acceptance of myself, from myself, that I’d always wanted. Life is not very long, and maybe I think too intensely – but I cannot waste another moment living a life that I think others expect me to. Because if I am truly honest with myself, then I would know that “the expectations of others” is simply an excuse for comfort. Don’t get me wrong, living within your comfort zone is good and necessary much of the time – but you will know when you need to step outside of it. And when the time is right, despite your fears, you’ll do it.
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