A couple of days ago, I was going through an old suitcase. I came across some old journals, and decided that I’d rip up the pages that I’d written in. It’s something I decided this year… that I’d destroy my old journals, simply because I don’t want to be attached to the person I used to be. This year of travel has been almost like starting anew.
As I was ripping up the pages, I saw one that caught my eye. I had to stop and read it. It was about the third time that I visited Tokyo, and my impressions on the first day of the trip. I wanted to share it with you.
First day in Japan and I’ve felt what it’s like to be a lone traveller again. It feels good. It feels great to be back in this city. Even though it is big and commercialised, I still feel that it has soul. Something that I feel I can relate to – that grasping of the soul no matter what happens. That old school feeling. Enjoying every bit of it. It’s quite funny because every city that I’ve ever loved has never been one where anything epic has happened… but rather where connections and memories have been made. That unspoken connection, that transcends language – so simple and subtle, yet it makes me feel so happy. I’m not sure if facing my fears makes me feel as happy – although it does make me feel very satisfied and like I’ve gotten to know myself better.
I looked at a couple of other pages and I realised something… I was constantly trying to reach for something back then. I was trying to improve myself, change myself, be better… and in doing so I was totally blind to who I actually was. I always saw myself as a blank canvas – something that needed to be created. These days, I see myself differently. I see myself as already painted. Lights painted over darks, shapes of all kinds, lines blending into one another… a story that can be shared with others. I’m still changing, but I don’t see myself as empty any more. I’m doing less grasping and more connecting.
Travelling around eventually made me see my own authenticity. I didn’t need to make myself over, or change my habits… I simply needed to allow myself to be me. I’ve gotten better at this with practice, but it’s still tricky sometimes. I meet lots of people every day, and to be honest, I don’t need most of them. But I love making and keeping connections with them, because I love what I learn about myself when I connect with others in unique ways. I have learned how to let go of what happens in my relationships, and let it play out beautifully on its own… but that still took a little courage at not letting other people’s opinions get the better of me.
What I’ve learned – that the friends I’m not afraid to be honest with, are the ones who love me the most. There is not a day that goes by where I’m not grateful to have them in my life. When I am able to let go of the worries that come and go in my life, then I feel like the luckiest person in the world.
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