Walking Slowly Through the Valley

Today, it rains. I look up and see undulating grey and white, as if the sky is reflecting the land in monochrome. I sit by the window and watch small wisps of cloud pass through the valley, until the entire area is draped in white. There is something peaceful about rainy days, it gives me an excuse to stay inside and take some well needed rest. Rest that I am often not good at giving myself.

These days, my mind doesn’t get much of a break. I am living a deep education, at almost every moment, apart from the time I have to write. I listen to only French, speak only French, translate only French in my head. It’s exactly what I need, but it gets a little tiring sometimes. I tend to think that my mind is an inexhaustible machine, but in fact no – it needs a little recharging now and then as well. Luckily these days, my mind is so overloaded that my thoughts become as dense as this fog right outside the window.

Smooth and soothing, it blocks my vision and prevents me from seeing all the colours and little details that I normally love to analyse. When your mind is in a mess, there is a kind of peace to it. Like stopping in the middle of a busy street and watching everyone walk by, concerned with their own problems. There you are, still, in a flurry of activity.

Of course being here in Ardeche, there is not even a cityscape within earshot. Instead, when I look outside I can see the fog moving slowly, even though the birds are ducking quickly in and out of the rain. I feel a little bit like those clouds over there, as if I am walking in slow motion. I don’t apologise for taking my time, I don’t feel that I am running out of anything.

I don’t want to chase, and I don’t want to make others chase me. Looking back on much of my life, I always seemed to be so worried about being desirable to someone. My employer, my family, my friends, my partners… I always had someone to please. Looking at my past from this point of view, I almost want to laugh.

There is no way that I could ever have been anything other than me, so I realise now that… I might as well enjoy my own uniqueness. Even if others do not want to join in, it doesn’t seem as big of a problem to me anymore, as it used to be. I am much more inclined here in Ardeche, or maybe it’s just the years that are changing me, to let others be as they are, and let me be who I am. It’s impossible to be otherwise. I am just like the clouds… I take up my own space, even if others may not feel it, but yet that will not stop me. Nothing will stop me. I continue walking slowly through the valley.