As I settle back into my old routine, my sleep is disturbed again. The first few nights after I got back to Australia, I was exhausted and sleep was like a silent heaven. But now that I am a little more rested, my mind is turning like clockwork again and my dreams are active. I am focusing on my next project, moving to France, and that means ideas are running through my mind constantly. This is mostly ideas about the future, plans, projections, estimations… numbers and words on a constant loop. The old me would have sat and stewed in these little details, and stressed about whether my plans would eventuate or not. I would have set time related goals, to put pressure on myself and force myself to start working on something. But I don’t do that anymore. Now, there is only one thing I use to organise my time. It’s not something that I’ve always found easy to trust, but this time, after all the travel has changed me, I am more confident. That one thing is the answer to the question: what do I feel like doing in this moment?
It’s not exactly what a lot of adults have told me I should be doing, but I am doing it anyway. I have learned that the advice I’ve followed in the past was given to me by people who had not achieved their dreams, or who simply didn’t want the same lifestyle that I do. They are people who have constantly worried about the future, instead of trying to remain in the present moment. This time, I’m purposely deciding to do things differently. Remaining in the present moment seems like a risk to someone who feels the pressure to be prepared for anything that life can throw at them… what if they can’t see all the risks from where they currently stand? What if something unexpected comes around and creates unforeseen problems? Well, this time, I’m going to take inspiration from my aunt and say: whatever is coming for me, is coming for me. So let it come, don’t fight it. The best thing I can ever do is enjoy the moment now, and trust in all that I have learned of life so far to serve me if something unexpected should arrive. I have also learned, especially while travelling, that it never hurts to be positive. What we do in the present moment is not unimportant – it influences our future more than we think. And besides, it’s the only place where my power is, so I spend each day now focusing on what energises me the most.
When I wake up, I try to take a little time for myself. These days I have been waking up very early, before the sun rises. It’s a little fresh and as I sit up and peek out the window, the cold prevents me from closing my eyes again. If I were to be honest, the first thing that goes through my mind in the morning is my fears. Usually they come up in my dreams, or they find their way to me within the emptiness of my room. It’s as if a record is spinning, playing the same tune over and over again, the one that I learned as a lawyer: be careful, cover yourself, make sure that you limit your responsibility, limit your losses, ensure that you can remain faultless in any given future situation. These are the habitual thoughts that I am met with every single morning – the positivity that I strive for doesn’t come naturally to me. However, it’s already too late. The thoughts are coming for me so… there is no use in fighting them. I have tried for years to change my way of thinking, and there is only one thing so far that I know actually works. Simply do not choose these thoughts. Like Chihiro crossing the bridge to the teahouse in the Ghibli movie Spirited Away… you hold your breath, you sink into the background, you don’t make a sound or move an inch. You get very, very still. The monsters pass by without even noticing that you exist.
That’s what I aim to do each morning. I let the momentum of my negative thoughts run out of steam, and I try to remain unmoved while doing so. I’m not always successful, but some days I am. This morning, I was. I woke up full of disappointment, ready to dish it out to the next oncoming victim, but instead I sat on my bed and looked out the window. I saw the colour of the sky change, from black to light grey. The clouds slowly revealed themselves, and I began to see the little twinkles of morning dew in the garden. Here and there a branch would shake, a few little birds taking their morning drink. It reminded me that I needed to take mine. I walked into the dark kitchen and switched the kettle on, its blue light illuminating the corner of room like a UFO. A few days ago I was so happy to be home, and this morning I woke up miserable again – for no apparent reason. After sitting with a cup of tea, and chatting a bit with a friend, I began to feel a bit more like myself again. I began to feel a little brave, a little more open to being wrong.
It seemed a good moment to finally ask myself: what if I was negative simply because I was afraid that doing things in a new way wouldn’t work? Then, my mind wandered to the idea of: well, what if taking a new perspective actually would work? Then the walls collapsed within my mind, and I could finally see that my misery was self constructed. There was nothing that I had ever needed to worry about. These days, as I implement my new plans for this blog and for my business, I have a lot of fear rising up within me. What if I am not as good as I want to be? What if it all fails? What if people watch me fail again? From thoughts of my career, these fears started to infiltrate other aspects of my life: my love life, my friendships, my family life… fear has a way of doing that. It’s not discriminatory, and it takes everyone as its prisoner. Once I’d gotten to the heart of the problem, I reassured myself: this is what life is about. Failing. The least I could do is have fun while doing it, and anyway you never know – my plans might just work if I am able to rid myself of the pressure and focus on the pleasure.
My thoughts started to bloom, like a peach blossom in the winter. Surrounded by the bear branches of my negative thoughts, I started to dream of a future that I loved. This focus got me out of my chair, and into my shoes. I started to act, I started to do. I started to write, and create and let the ideas flow. I realised that the moments before you achieve something are precious. Delicate and pretty, that first sign of life during the colder months. From the pale lilac petals of the Algerian Iris blooming in the Mediterranean winter, to the tiny white and pink buds from plum trees blossoming in Japan… I adore seeing little signs of life while the other flowers are sleeping. These are the hardy flowers, the strong ones, who are well prepared to open themselves to the frost and keep everyone inspired through the darkness of winter. It may not be the same as rows of bright lavender painting the hills purple, or the way the hydrangeas perk up the streets in pastel shades… but it has its own beauty. There is always something to appreciate, no matter which stage you are in life. It’s just that sometimes it takes a little longer to notice.
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