Recently I have taken a step towards my new life, and it tired me out a little bit. That’s why I haven’t been writing. But sometimes we need to do these things. Although I’m a person who doesn’t really like to work too hard, it’s my habit and so it has taken me a while to learn what a balanced life really means. Whatever I do, I tend to go fully into it or not at all. It’s a good and bad thing. It means that if I do something, I will do it to the very end… but it takes me a long time to get to that point. I will keep chopping and changing, delaying, making excuses, until I get to the point where I’d truly like to jump in. When I make this decision, it has nothing to do with my chances of success, and even though I often call myself a people pleaser my decision does not have anything to do with the opinion of another. It’s very much my own. And a few days ago, I took the first step on my journey towards living in France. The outcome at this particular moment is irrelevant to me. From now, my life is over there and I walk as someone who lives in France now. It doesn’t matter to me how long it may take for my visa or flights or business to catch up – my mind has been made up, and everything is coming along with me.
It’s a bit exciting, when you step into a new way of living life. The old slowly falls away, and challenges arise in order for you to figure out how you’d like to be different now. Transition can be both a pleasurable and a painful thing, I’ve been through it many times and in the past I’d always focused on the painful aspects. This time, it will be different. I promised myself that I’d remain positive – even through the fear and the feeling of loss. Indeed, this whole process has already taken three years of jumping on both sides of the fence for me. It has helped me to understand the true meaning of freedom. In the past, I saw travel and freedom of movement as the best way to live life. To not have a fixed place of habitation, because that would only weight me down. Indeed, in my previous failed relationships I learned this subconsciously but that learning did not recognise the nuances of every day life that I now understand. In order for routine and habit to be a strength, it must be one from freedom of choice. In the past, every time I’d settled down, it had been for the pleasure of someone else or for the pleasure of not being alone. But as I said earlier, although I took on the appearance of someone who wants to please people – it’s not who I truly am. In truth, I am happiest when I do something to please myself. It’s not an easy thing to admit.
I had thought that someone who pleases themselves is someone who is selfish, but over time I realise that this couldn’t be further from the truth. The only reason why, in the past, I had done things to please others was not because I was weak or being manipulated. It’s because I was denying myself the very basic human need to please myself before pleasing anyone else. It’s not selfish. If you are truly surrounded by people with love, then they would never want to be happy at the expense of your own happiness. With this simple understanding, I have slowly been able to clear out the guilt I had associated with meeting my own needs and desires. I have been able to become more honest with myself, and more honest with others. As I’ve been able to become more honest with others, they have felt comfortable in being more honest with me. Honesty opens something in a relationship, it creates a connection and a stronger bond. It makes people realise that we can still be friends despite disagreements over what we want and ways of doing things. It shows you that love can rise above inconveniences, rejections and differences of opinions. Doing things to please myself has added to my life, it has not taken anything away.
And this is the way in which I’m starting my new life in France. It’s a decision that I made for myself, because I know that even after all of my experiences for the last three years I still want to do it. Plus, it will be a fun experiment for a while. Maybe for a long while. In fact, I think that France had always brought out this more confident, reassured part of myself. It wasn’t always clear, but going to Japan this year made it obvious to me. As I lived in Japan, a place which has a mentality the polar opposite of France, I was able to compare these different sides of who I was and choose who I wanted to be. Did I want to be someone who takes pride in their sacrifice or did I want to be someone who takes pride in their courage to stand apart? Both are correct, just different ways of seeing the same thing. In Japan, I felt that there is strong historical need to be part of a team. To work together, to find honour within sacrifice and to in fact take pleasure in knowing that your sacrifice is for the benefit of others. In France, it’s probably quite obvious that they think more of the individual, but they do not think less of the collective. In fact, it is in the courage of the individual that the French find their honour, and it is in the pleasure of knowing that the courage to stand apart from the crowd is of service to others as well.
If one person can speak their mind, then why can’t anyone else? And in fact, they do. Even though Paris is only a small part of France, you can see from how the Olympics are proceeding that everyone is allowed their opinion and everyone are allowed their mistakes. People are allowed to make controversy, to voice their opinion in response and to express their emotions while doing so. France keeps moving on, undeterred by all the opinions. This is the reason why I love that country, and it’s the biggest reason why I’ve made my decision. It also inspires me to be who I choose to be. To do my best, despite the views of others, because I walk with the knowledge that some bad opinions are not going to stop me from succeeding. People are entitled to their opinions of you, it is their property which you could not possibly touch let alone change. So the best thing is to stand up tall anyway, and keep marching on the best way you know how. These days, that means that I take steps towards expanding my teaching business which I’ve called Anna Bee English. It’s a business that I have created so that I can pass on this confidence that I have learned to my students… as they seek to achieve their own goals in life. In this way I pass on the knowledge that: it’s not about succeeding by the standards of someone else, but rather to succeed by owning your own standards and your own journey in getting there.
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