This was originally published on 23 February 2023 on my blog called The Anchor Within (theanchorwithin.blog).
I want to tell you a story about a man I met in Slovenia.
I had arrived there in January, during winter, and so it was very cold. I still remember the first morning I was there. I walked around the streets of the old town, lined delicately with the white frosting of snow and accented by the delicious smells of hot chocolate and warm soups being cooked for later in the day. I was in awe. I would never have thought that I’d travel to this part of the world. Then, I stumbled upon a café.
It stood out because the building was a gorgeous mustard yellow. At the bottom, there were sweets displayed in a wooden cabinet, and above there were windows lined with intricate carvings and framed by a façade of Ionic pillars… a small burgundy room peaked out at the top. I walked in and found the café to be charming – it had a busy countertop and decorations everywhere. Old paintings hung wherever there was space, and Christmas decorations still dangled from the ceiling. As I entered, I could smell coffee being brewed, a man greeted me with a big smile. I immediately felt warmly welcomed, he told me to sit wherever I liked. I perched up on a high, cushioned bench. The leather was maroon, and the tables were wooden, it reminded me a little of a British pub, except there was no smell of beer. I discovered that the man who had greeted me was the owner.
I went to the café regularly, even though I was only there for a short time, and started to get to know him better. Luckily, his English was good and we could have long conversations. I discovered that he was born and raised near Ljubljana, and had travelled to the city for family reasons. It’s where he decided to open his own restaurant and establish his life.
We found each other very interesting. We lived two different lives, but yet there was something that we had in common… well, there must have been, because otherwise how would we have initiated and maintained such a connection until now? It’s amazing, sometimes a man can be shut off his whole life from opening up to people… but if you meet him in a moment where he lets his guard down, then he can be a friend for life. I want to speak about one particular conversation… the one I had the morning I was going to leave to my next destination.
He told me something which I will never forget: “I have my family here, my friends, I was born in this country, I speak the language and I have every reason to feel like I belong – but, yet I feel completely alone. I feel I do not belong here.”
Sometimes, people tell us things which quietens our mind, because we can feel it when people speak the truth. It made me question something that I had believed for my whole life. I believed that I had never truly belonged to Australia because my parents had immigrated there. Culturally I was very different from others, and I had often felt misunderstood. It felt like my cultural identity was something unique that I had, which made me feel isolated… like I didn’t belong and there was nothing anyone could ever do to change that. I would always be the outsider, no matter where I went, because the culture which defined my family’s identity had only lasted a couple of generations – it was dying out.
When I heard this man speak, I started to realise that maybe those conditions which I had held responsible for my feelings all these years… weren’t actually responsible at all. I told him that I found his feelings fascinating, because he had always looked so happy all the time. I would not have been able to know this from his outside appearance. His response: “I have to smile every day. I am in the industry where people do not want to know about your problems – you are an exception, of course. I can see that you want to know me. But others, they only want to rely on me, only want to know my smile. So I give it to them. Please… do not always believe my smile. It is not often real, even if it may seem that way at first.”
Once again, he spoke with so much truth that I believed him. Here was a man who had something special that I didn’t, a community, and yet he felt the same as me. In fact, he didn’t really even have the chance to show it. It seemed that because he had all the favourable external conditions, he somehow felt the need to show people that he was happy. Like he could not make space for his sadness, he could not make space to truly be himself. I started to realise… maybe the conditions that I had blamed with the cause of my sadness, was actually a big gift. It is because I could name the causes, that I was able to allow myself the space for my emotions, and so I had reasons to share with others about how I felt.
He could read my face in the silence. “You look pensive.”
I smiled, and he continued. “I feel that I know you, Annabel. Even though we have only just met.” He started to laugh. “And I have some advice for you.” He took my empty coffee cup away and started to wash it. “Stop thinking so much, start feeling more. Maybe then you will be able to see the reality behind a person’s smile, and maybe then you will be able to truly help people. I think one day… you will.”
I laughed, to cover up the tears that were forming in my eyes. I was touched by what he said and at what I hoped was its accuracy. I replied “People like you?” He smiled, nodded and then reached out his hand. I started to open my wallet. “No, no money today” he pushed my wallet down to the table “your hand.” I gave him my hand and he looked into my eyes “Come back here one day.”
I have never forgotten that conversation, and I think about his advice every day. I think I understand, on a deeper level, what he means now. The thing is… that people have invisible barriers. Yes, even the people who affect us every day.
We might think that we know what those barriers are, but the reality for me now is that we don’t.
We might spend our lives thinking that life is easier for some than it is for others, but the reality for me now is that this all depends on perspective.
We might think that others are judgmental of us and our life, but the reality for me now is that they just do not know what my invisible barriers are.
So, I try to walk forward in life with this knowledge as best I can. To know that others may not be able to see what appears obvious to me, because they have invisible barriers… ones that I will never know the nature of, but ones that I can just believe are there and, importantly, are meaningful for them.
At the same time, I can trust that people will never know the invisible barriers I face, and so when others judge me for my behaviour… I must remember that there is nothing more powerful in these moments than for me to honour my own barriers, and not them.
It dawned on me that putting myself first, by being kind to myself, was not selfish… but would be the fertile soil from which all of my dreams and desires, to be of service to others, would grow.
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