I accidentally missed the month of August, which was a bit stressful and busy… so here is the next instalment of my memoir. You can read the first one here. Thank you once again for coming with me on this slow journey…
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She returned back to her chair, handing me a hot cup of coffee on the way, and I held the mug in my cold hands. The steam was rising into my face, and I felt the vapour warm and cool me at the same time. I enjoyed the scent of the coffee for a moment, before taking a sip. The liquid was still very hot, burning my tongue slightly and slipping down my throat, warming me from the inside out. I sighed and tried to relax my shoulders.
It was time to begin, and my friend sat there expectantly.
“I want to start my story by making something clear: I am not a good person. I know it, and I am not trying to be one. I just want to be myself. Trying to be a good person is overrated and I’ll tell you why: because humans are naturally good… when we are allowed to be who we are. We need not try. Problems arise when we try to be “good” in the eyes of someone else. So much so, that people in the world have now convinced themselves that evil exists, when in fact it’s just the face of all the layers we use to deny and hide who we truly are.
I’ll give you an example. A legal dispute is an ugly situation, where people often do and say unconscionable things. It’s not the ugliest thing in the world, but we’ll start there. I always remember when my advocacy teacher told me this: every legal dispute, commercial or otherwise, always starts off with someone simply being pissed off. That line, out of all of the lectures I received during my legal education, has stuck with me because of its truth. We often witness people in the world at their worst moments, without seeing their beautiful side. Humans have both, so that’s why I never claim to be a good person – and I don’t like accepting the compliment from others as well. I simply think to myself, you haven’t seen my ugly side. Life is so much better when we allow each other to be ourselves in the most simple ways.
And that brings me to where it all began… when my life fell apart because I didn’t allow myself to be who I wanted to be. I had built my life up until that point unknowingly on a foundation of lies. Who I was depended on my company, it was all a big charade and the funny thing is that there were only good intentions behind it. I didn’t want that person to feel bad, I didn’t want to blame another, I was running around trying to make everyone understand that I didn’t want to burden them. All because I was too scared to be myself. I was young and naïve, because years later that all morphed into a bitterness that I could no longer support. I tried as much as I could, and I could have sworn to you that I was trying to be a good person. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but then I ended up hurting everyone. My support system disappeared from under my feet and I was falling, there was no one to catch me and tell me that it was going to be okay – and it was all my fault.
My marriage broke down, I isolated myself from my family, my work ethic started to slip and I did not have a safe home to go to. It serves me right, and it was a difficult way to learn a simple lesson: next time, for the love of God, just be yourself from the start. But even in the darkness, there is light if you’re ready to let it in. I had some people available to me at that moment: the women I worked with and my oldest friend. The friends I had at work did not know my past, so they had no preconception of me and how I should behave, but thank goodness that I had them there. My old friend had seen me through good and bad, someone who is completely different to me, but we had somehow stuck together through the years. I was preparing to sleep in my car, when she called me one night. I still remember the gist of the conversation, although I don’t remember the details.
I was feeling sorry for myself, preparing my pillow and blanket in the back seat, and I just wanted to slip away. There was nothing in my life that I could attach myself to any longer – I had lived my life on the backbone of validation from others for so long. At that moment, I had no validation to define myself by… so I’d often think to myself, why am I even here? When my friend called, she offered me a bed at her place, but I said not to worry – that I was already ready to sleep in my car and I didn’t want to be a burden. Then, she told me something simple and true: don’t be stupid. Come to my place. Something in her words woke me up. I was so consumed in feeling sorry for myself, so consumed in my thoughts and emotions, that I realised she was right. I was acting stupid. I didn’t completely understand it at that moment, but it was the start of me accepting myself for who I was. Good or bad mood, up or down.
We are all given a life, and it is up to us to live it. After all the disappointment and despair, or anger and frustration… we can either decide to see our value or continue to diminish ourselves. It’s truly that simple. At that point, no one was coming to save me, and I’m certain that if I had refused my friend at that moment, she would have simply let me sleep in my car. After all, there is no point in reasoning with an adult who is not capable of accepting help when she clearly needs it. I was deep in the pit of despair at that time, but I took the first step towards climbing out of it instead of going so deep that I’d have to struggle to see the light. And I did this simply by putting down my shovel and not digging anymore. It’s not exactly the happiest of beginnings, but it is real. And I think that this is more important.”
My friend looked at me without saying a word. “Yes, that’s not exactly how I’d like to start my morning… I think that we have to continue until we get to a happier point.” She laughed. “I don’t have that much work today, I have some more time.”
I smiled. I remembered that indeed, my life falling apart was the biggest blessing for me. My coffee cup was still warm between my hands, and I took another sip. I put the cup down, put my palms over my eyes and felt its gentle warmth relax me, before taking another breath and continuing my story.
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