These days, my stress levels have disappeared. My mind is concerned with practical matters, it’s true, but my stress about what will happen with my move to France, and how I am going to make a living is not bothering me anymore. I simply know that if I am able to put one foot in front of the other, then I will make things work. All the plans that I had put in place, in order to make my arrival in France a stable and safe one, have fallen away. This is how life goes. It is never according to plan, after all. But I think that it is in these moments for me where I realise that no matter what – things will always work out. It makes me reflect on my life as a whole. I have made it before, and I will make it again. I find myself alone again, but I am not in despair. In fact, it’s these moments in life that can make you realise how much you’ve progressed. All those years of heartbreak, guilt, shame… washing away to reveal the strength that you’d always had underneath. I am able to look in the mirror and forgive myself for all that I’ve done, to console myself for all that I’ve lost and to say: welcome home. Home has always been inside me all along.
I can look into my own eyes and say yes, you deserve to be loved, to receive attention and to be accepted for who you are. I can say it confidently because I know that I am the one who will be providing myself with all of it. It’s amazing what happens when we look for love in the right places, and when we learn to trust our journey in life. For the last few months I have been talking about the transition point between the old life and the new, and I feel as if I have just made it over to the other side now. I’ve crossed, and now I can look back and see how everything was meant to happen so that I can be here today. I can breathe easy now, and that’s how I know I’ve made it. A new adventure begins, one which I discover at the last minute that I know absolutely nothing about. I thought I knew how my life would be in France, but now I have no idea at all. It is like stepping out into the emptiness, into the darkness, and falling. It’s not for the faint hearted. But somehow, when you know the decision is right then you’re able to do such things that others may consider “brave.” But it’s not really. You learn how to make a decision simply for the things that you will learn after you make it and not for any particular outcome.
That’s how I’m learning to live my life now, and I wouldn’t have gotten here if it weren’t for all the mistakes I’ve made along the way. All the relationships that I thought would last forever, but actually failed. All the careers I thought that I’d master, but instead I quit after a few years. All the countries I thought I’d visit, which I never succeeded in travelling to. I have let everything go. When I was younger, I thought that I’d get married, have kids, have a good, stable career and buy a house. Now in my adulthood I realise that I have succeeded in none of those things, but yet I got so much more than I ever thought was possible. More than my list of adventures and achievements, I have discovered that within me there is a flame that can’t be put out. After every failure, I’m ready to fall in love again, to succeed again, to try again. I think that’s what it feels like when you look after the home that is within you. To know that even when everything is crumbling around you – there is safe space within to return to. Even if that space is small. I’m home, finally. I’m home.
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