These days I have been busy settling into my new place. Finally, I have a space that where I can live and settle myself. Where I can feel stable and lay some foundations in my life. I am staying in a beautiful area, that is both old and modern. The old village is a short but steep hike uphill, a hike that is well worth it. Last week, I took this walk and was greeted with a beautiful view at the top of the setting sun. The sky glowed pink, blue and yellow. The mountains formed shades of green, overlapping in layers like a cake. Up there, the scenery in the distance felt so close that I could reach out and take a bite. I stopped only for a little while. I continued on a little walk through the old town, well manicured and still a little lively even in the coolness of the evening. I stumbled upon a little church, and decided to go inside for a moment. Before me a family of seven entered. A pregnant lady, her husband, and their five children. Of course I am assuming that all were their children, as I don’t see such big families very often these days.
I walked in quietly after them, like one of their shadows, invisible. At first, I listened to all of our steps on the cold stone floor… echoing within the old medieval walls, and then soon after something magical happened. It was the father who knelt down first, calling all his children to sit around him as they began to pray. Soon after, the mother joined them. They all prayed in unison, the each syllable becoming lost within the echoes of the other. And smoothly, sweetly, they began to sing. There is truly nothing like hearing a singing prayer in an old church. You feel as if you are taken back in time. Especially when the light from the stained glassed windows is starting to fade, giving way to the soft, pulsing glow of candles. Each containing the wishes of an individual who so carefully burned the wick and set it down beside a saint of their choosing. I stood for a moment and let my mind be filled with the sound of their voices, softly nudging all the other thoughts out of my mind. Peace. But prayer like this is not the only kind of meditation, all aspects of life can be equally as clarifying. Enriching.
In the last couple of months, I have learned that there’s nothing like a relationship to enrich you and your perspective of life… but it is not for the faint hearted. I’ve come to believe that being in a relationship with someone is perhaps one of life’s most challenging tasks. Here is someone you adore, someone you love being around, and your task is to not let them consume you or not let yourself consume them. It is so easy to be consumed by another, and expect things that were once your own responsibility to be taken care of by them. To expect them to show up for you, to be reliable, to be your strength and your protection… these things may sound nice in a love song, and you may even experience moments like this in your life with someone. But what is certain is that you cannot outsource certain things to others all the time. We are all human, we all have fears and we all wish to meet that one person who changes us for the better. But the reality is that this person you wish to meet, is the one who is staring at you when you look in the mirror.
Rilke once again puts it elegantly: to love is not about merging. It is a noble calling for the individual to ripen, to differentiate, to become a world in oneself in response to another… Only in this sense may we use the love that has been given to us… the love that consists of two solitudes that protect, border and greet each other. Or in other words, to be two, whole individuals who walk together in such a way that we maintain our wholeness. It means that we need to throw blame out the window. Along with that goes the strange satisfaction we feel when we are a victim, and to the contrary the fleeting sense of power we feel when we dare to be a perpatrator. It means letting go of games, remembering that we have a mouth not only to kiss but also to communicate. To communicate, with the full and complete knowledge that we are worthy of response and discussion. Consideration and adjustment. Equals in inadequacy, but no less worthy of love.
For me, re-learning how to communicate with someone means questioning everything that I have done in relationships before and questioning what it is that I really want in life. Reconsidering that question with someone alongside you who is reconsidering the same thing. It is an exploration, a story with an open ending. Something to be appreciated in the present moment, which can only be done if you are willing to de-identify yourself from the relationship that you are in. Stop hanging on so tightly to those expectations and walk lightly for a while. For as long as you can. And if you need to break down and cry, to do it with the knowledge that there is nothing wrong with showing a little emotion sometimes. It does not mean that your whole world is going to crumble, it simply means that you must slow down and listen to your body. The next step will not be a huge leap, it will be small and digestible and mutually beneficial. But only if you are present enough to sit quietly and listen to how you feel, like a parent listens to their baby crying because of a matter which is small to them but immense for someone so tiny.
I’ve learned that in fact, not every prayer must look peaceful, like the family who I saw kneeling and singing in unison. Although that was beautiful, it was only a single moment in time. A snapshot. Not the ongoing reality of life. I imagine that in this family, they have experienced many moments. Of joy, of pain, of laughter and anger, frustration and love, emptiness and great fulfilment. Life is exactly like the mountains that I saw, fading into the distance as I made my way back down the hill and to my new home. There are ups and downs, and each moment can be honoured for what it is. Not decisive of any grand outcome, but simply an indication of the next small step. A rest between two notes. An exploration, an enrichment, of our our solitude in the presence of others. How beautiful it is, that I can go home and happily enjoy my solitude while another is enjoying his own solitude beside me.
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