It has been a busy few days for me, with work and with packing for my trip to Switzerland. I leave early in the morning, and will travel through Italy where I’ll stay for one night with an old friend. I met my friend and her partner in Singapore, while completing some studies there. It has been a while since I’ve seen her, but whenever we meet it’s always as if we just caught up yesterday. Luckily I absolutely adore her and I am quite sure the feeling is mutual. I don’t say that about a lot of people, but she is so uncomplicated that it’s easy to feel loved around her. The story of her and her partner is an interesting one, they have known each other for a long time and I think they may have even been high school sweethearts. I had forgotten about their relationship until reconnecting with her recently. I remember that they have had a lot of ups and downs, but after it all they are together today. I even met some old friends today, another couple, who have an interesting story as well. I say old friends, but in fact I met them this year in March – but it feels like I’ve known them for years.
Meeting couples and reconnecting with people reminds me that there is no one size fits all. After several failed relationships, I must admit that I often asked myself: what am I doing wrong? I’ve put myself under the knife a lot… both to analyse and to change who I am. I was under the impression that if only I could be like her, or if only I found a man who is like him then maybe I’d find the one and be happy. That life long search that I used to feel had no end. Back in March, I was a complete wreck in this respect. I did not know what I wanted… did I want to be with someone or was I meant to just be single for the rest of my life? I didn’t really know which I wanted, partially because it felt like the question was out of my control. I had met many men in the last four years, and even though they were all handsome, kind, intelligent, fun… they seemed to all fit the bill, but there was always something missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I just didn’t feel anything. I would think about my friends, or see couples in the street, and ask: how? How did they find each other? Were they really happy? What was the formula for success? I really thought that the magic would never happen again for me, so I gave up. I suppose that those are the magic words, because after that, I did meet someone special.
At first I thought that he was very friendly, and would be a nice person to pass the time with for a little while before I left France. Then, when I started talking to him, I realised that it was going to be much, much more than this. I didn’t really know what was going to happen, but I felt the magic again. I just knew, I couldn’t explain it logically. And since the moment we met, I have always known even despite the doubts, differences and anxieties. Being with someone who has a completely different culture and speaks a completely different language from you can do that. I’m at an age where I am with a man who has lived a whole entire life without me, and now I am on his turf. Strangely, it feels similar to the night before my income tax exam (which I think I only passed because the examiner felt sorry for me). That night, I realised that I had not read a word of the entire Income Tax Law of Australia, and if you have seen this document, you’d know that it’s big enough to kill someone with. I had to read all this law, let alone the cases that go with it, in a few hours. It was an impossible feat, and all I could do was sit on the floor with my head between my knees and cry. And then pray. There are whole chapters, in two different languages, that I do not know about him. And I suppose by habit from my days in University, I feel so much pressure to just know everything already. To be “one of them” already.
It’s taken me far too long to realise this, but after having a complete meltdown I finally remembered the truth. He didn’t choose me because I fit in. That’s the whole point. He chose me because I am different. I am not the familiar, but rather, a new adventure. And he is the same for me. But despite all of the differences, and there are a whole lot of differences, there was always that familiar feeling. I feel comfortable with him, and despite the fact that he’s older than me… it’s him who makes me feel young again. After talking with my friends, and remembering their stories, I realised that love is actually very simple. It’s me who overcomplicates it by wanting it to fit into a certain narrative, a certain shape, the “right” one. When in fact, each story is unique. There is no “one size fits all” when it comes to relationships. You make it up as you go, day by day, and you do your best to have fun along the way. It has been the ultimate teacher for me, helping me to let go of the pressure of expectations. Pressure that I have been placing on myself.
It has not been very long, but I am already learning a lot. How to be proud of who I am and how different my face is, my body, my story and my manner. To relax into just being me, and not worry about taking on a role based on an assumption of what I guess he likes. To just let it all happen organically, naturally, and beautifully. At this very moment, I can say that this relationship has been the most enriching yet. The most fun, the most interesting. I can say that I regret nothing, and that I am better for choosing to try and for having him in my life. For once in my life, I am learning that I do not need to control everything. I do not need to know how everything is going to turn out. And most importantly: not everything needs to be said, and certainly not said immediately. The best part of life is time, and how we spend it. If we can spend it slowly, even during the unpleasant moments, then we will have the opportunity to find that beneath everything there is love to be found. Sincerity, hope, peace. It is not really the love that two people are “in”, but rather the love that surrounds them both, which heals, renews and opens the wise eyes of the soul.
Leave a Reply